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f4f was lamenting that the Level was too light and we needed to darken it a bit. So, I offer death.

Most of us seem to be at or getting to the age when aunts/uncles/parents are gettin up there.

Recently, I had to go to a number of funerals.

What drives you nuts about them?

How would you want your funeral to go?

Thing that drives me nuts is the viewing is in one town, the mass/service is in another town (or across town) and the burial is across a highway 20 miles away. People are far too inconsiderate to let a funeral procession go on without cutting in.

I also hate singing everything at the service. My family and extended family is Catholic. I don't mind the kneeling, per se, but singing responses? Give it a rest already.

Finally, I hate the trend of making the receptions "dry." For crying out loud, a bunch of folks with Irish and/or German blood running through their veins are all standing around eating warmed-up chicken and too-cold pasta salad and no one wants to tell the old Bettys that they need to "get over" their tea-tottling obsession and let guys drink.

My plans?

I want a plan pine box. Anyone who watched Mythbusters knows coffins are crushed when the dirt goes on them. Besides, I'm dead and my soul's departed. Disposing of my body should be done as cheaply as possible.

Free burial spot. I have free spots for me and the wife. She says she doesn't want to be buried there. I told her she better die last.

Lively atmosphere. If my folks respect my religious conviction, they'll celebrate me "going home." I have lives a fun life so far. Rather folks relax, have a few drinks, and remember all the good times. Hawaiin shirts are acceptable. Ties are forbidden.

Short ceremony. I'll pick out the scripture. Don't just let some pastor whip out Isiah 40 and talk about me like he knows me. I'll write it out and get everyone in and out in 20 minutes.

I am also Catholic.

Ya need a bagpiper outside the church.

You also need to hear either "Here I am, Lord" or "You Are Mine" inside during the service. Two of my favorite Hymns. "On Eagle's Wings" also acceptable.

NCSF, your service is rather informal. You run the risk having an E-A-G-L-E-S chant break out.

I wouldn't mind a good eagles chant at my funeral.

I want to be buried in a tank top and shorts.

Nothing tops a New Orleans jazz funeral. That's a real party.

I seem to remember hearing that Tennessee Williams had an epic bash for his funeral, but I can't find any information on it.

Hunter S. Thompson's funeral was good one, too.

I had a college professor who was loved by many. This guy was a grizzled sonofabitch, but he was a real man all the way, not to mention a brilliant actor and director. He was intimidating, and EVERYONE cowtowed to him. Our college theater was a city landmark, and of course, you couldn't smoke inside, but he smoked inside all the time, brazenly putting out hits butts on the floor wherever it suited him. People idolized the guy, and even though he could be vicious, he had a heart of gold and really cared about all of his students. We were all his kids.

He was a notorious addict and had successfully quit drinking and drugs cold turkey before my freshman year, and he quit smoking before my sophomore year. Unfortunately, it didn't prevent him from being diagnosed with lung cancer right after I graduated, and he died a year-and-a-half later. His funeral was held in the main theater, and it was packed with colleagues, friends, and alumni who dated back to the '70s. Not only was the ceremony filled with hilarious stories about him (avoiding somber recollections), but it was also great because all of these former students who had lost touch were reuniting for this event. In death, he brought everyone together.

He loved bluegrass, and it was his specific instruction that Flatt and Scruggs be played at his funeral, so after the ceremony, they cranked it up (I think it was "Will The Circle Be Unbroken") and unveiled a huge spread of food with a couple of kegs. Afterwards, everyone went to his favorite bar to tie one on. Then we went back to a friend's place and kept going into the wee hours, as only he could do in his heydey. I think I wound up face-down in a hot chick that morning.

I definitely want to be cremated because not only do I think cemetaries are a huge waste of space and money, but I don't want to burden my family with this practice of going to stare at my headstone of every year. I want a celebration with plenty of booze, and a brass band leading people through the streets would be great, too. If I knew I had a terminal illness, I'd videotape a message to my friends and family, one filled with lots of innappropriate humor. I don't want my life to be mourned; I want it to be celebrated.

I hear that over and over, "I want my life to be celebrated, not mourned." Yet, we only get the same cookie cutter funerals. Where's the disconnect? Maybe a will or something that says, "Do it my way or no one gets a dime."

I don't know.

I don't want to burden my family with this practice of going to stare at my headstone of every year

My family talks a mean game about this, but the truth is they never go to visit headstones.

I definitely want to be cremated
I want a celebration with plenty of booze

SECONDED.

NC, I think most people don't specify their funeral wishes in their will. Let's face it. The families are generally distraught when they're planning a funeral, and they're probably more concerned about being respectful than anything else. I can tell you right now, that if I died tomorrow, my family would not throw a big bash of a funeral for me. They'd do something straight-laced that wouldn't be embarrassing, and I would likely hate it. Hopefully, I could at least count on my brother and Dad to see to it that I'm cremated, but I think that's as adventurous as they'd get.

Families need specific instructions in writing; otherwise, they're just going to do what they think is right, which more than likely means the funeral will totally suck.

I've been to three funerals since October.

The first a very dear aunt who died of cancer 2 weeks after being diagnosed. The second was an uncle (the younger brother of my mom and dead aunt) who was killed in a hit and run in FL 4 months later. The third was a cousin(my dead aunt's stepdaughter) who simply dropped dead at the age of 33, we still don't know why.

All 3 funerals were different but some things I noticed:

1. People really ARE stupid and rude enough to bring babies to funerals. When I die, I want it written in my obituary that if you can't find a babysitter, you won't be allowed in. I want a bouncer hired and put at the door for this very purpose. There is nothing worse than listening to babies cry at inappropriate times. Well, there is something worse - that would be listening to the mother say "shh" 3000 times instead of just picking the kid up and taking it out of the room.

2. Every funeral has the idiot person who hardly knew the deceased, but will get up and tell a barely relevant story that no one in the family wants to hear. In the case of my aunt, we later found out the story her doofy ex-coworker told wasn't even true. If nobody in the family gets up to speak, sit down and keep your mouth shut.

3. Sitting in the front row at a funeral sucks. In addition to having lost someone close to you, you are forced to endure uncomfortable hugs from people you've never met and will never see again. Lots of them reek of smoke. Most repeat the same thing over and over, "What a shock. I just spoke to xxx last week". Then you have the ones who want gory details "Was he dead when they found him or did he die later?"

4. Owning a funeral home has got to be the single most lucrative business there is. A funeral today averages about $10,000. That doesn't include the flowers, the grave site or the reception following. These guys make a mint just to drain some blood and replace it with formaldehyde, throw some make up and clothes on and open up the building for people to sit there and cry for an hour.

It's such a racket.

I would say that worst part about a funeral is when "you" are the center of attention that day.

At my funeral I want every chick I ever banged there to line up and alphabetical order and cry over my poor corpse. I want them to cry so much that they create a noise that makes the neighborhood dogs howl in pain. boooohooooooooohooohooo

Then it would be cool if each one of them got up and told everyone in attendance that I was the best lover they ever had and that they NEVER EVER really got over me.

And also even though some got married after we broke up they would still scream out my name during orgasm ever time they made love to their husbands or boyfriends.

Plus you got to have certain songs during the ceremony.
Elton John - Funeral/Love Lies Bleeding
Don McLean - American Pie
Twisted Sister - We're not going to take it anymore (Cause your dead)
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
Joe Walsh - Life's Been Good
U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name
The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Pink Floyd - Breathe
Doors - The End
Bob Dylan - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
Foreigner - Cold As Ice
Animals - It's My Life
Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here
Bruce Springsteen - Going Down
Rolling Stones - Get Off My Cloud
George Harrison - My Sweet Lord

More cool funeral songs...

Led Zeppelin - Over The Hills And Far Away
Todd Rundgren - I Saw The Light
Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven
Steely Dan - Reeling In The Years
Blind Faith - Can't Find My Way Home
Queen - Keep Yourself Alive
Guess Who - No Time
Kansas - Dust In The Wind
Pink Floyd – Time
Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days
Eagles - Life In The Fast Lane
Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper
Beatles - Long and Winding Road
Led Zeppelin - Thank You
David Bowie – Changes
Beatles – Yesterday
Beatles - A Day In The Life

Free burial spot. I have free spots for me and the wife. She says she doesn't want to be buried there. I told her she better die last.

ntf.


me? i don't want to be mourned and i don't want to be celebrated. pine box or cremated, don't really care which.

in the famous words of george costanza, "i don't want to be remembered, i want to be forgotten"

In keeping with local custom, I will be placed on a raft and set ablaze.

"1. People really ARE stupid and rude enough to bring babies to funerals. When I die, I want it written in my obituary that if you can't find a babysitter, you won't be allowed in. I want a bouncer hired and put at the door for this very purpose. There is nothing worse than listening to babies cry at inappropriate times. Well, there is something worse - that would be listening to the mother say "shh" 3000 times instead of just picking the kid up and taking it out of the room."




Could not disagree more. Went to my wife's Uncle's funeral in April and we brought our baby. Funerals are celebrations of life, as such the Next Generation of Life should be included. When she got a tiny bit whiny I took her out of the parlor where the service was going on. No big deal and most of the people there were thrilled to see her, and her uncle absolutely would have wanted her there.

Babies should not be in church or restuaunts, no matter how cute the parents think their lil bundle of joy is.

Agree, NEAG. We didn't take out girls out to a restaurant until age 2 and the only time they were in a church before that was their Christening.

And won't take them to a real restaurant until they are old enough to handle it. Nothing worse than having a nice dinner interrupted by whiney toddlers.

I might be a resident grump, but I don't see a problem with babies and churches.

Restaraunts? Insane to take kids out until they reach age 5. Even then, they eat three bites, drink all their juice/rootbeer and start fidgeting.

I also don't get bothered by other people's cell phones when I'm out to eat. That seems to bug folks, even if it's at other tables. How is it more or less rude than the other table having a converstaion?

I also don't get bothered by other people's cell phones when I'm out to eat. That seems to bug folks, even if it's at other tables. How is it more or less rude than the other table having a converstaion?

it just is. plus, people tend to be louder on a celly.

You cats are nuts, we take our baby out all the time and I can say with 100% certainty she is a flat out angel every single time. Not one example otherwise. If she were a problem I would not take her but she is honestly the best-behaved baby I've seen in my 39.999 years.


No blanket statements from me on where babies can and can't go.

GGB's "Night out/Lights out" formula recipe:

1 can (12oz) Similac
1 jigger Rumple

NTFF NCSF

Nah, she's just very well-behaved, honestly. I would not take her out if she weren't.


She is starting to get a tad more loud with the first utterances approaching words so we'll see if her Jetsetting/dining out lifestyle continues.



Oh, and it's Enfamil for us.



I did one shot of Rumple before heading into the Ballpark at Camden Yards last Saturday evening, and I can't recall when I had done one before that. I may be losing my Title.

GGB, wait til she's talking. You just wait.

I am currently learning the true meaning of the terrible twos.

No blanket statements from me on where babies can and can't go.

how bout the movies?

My youngest never went through the terrible 2s, 3s, 4s, or 5s. He just had the best demeanor and still does. In many ways, he'd remind people of "Butters," from South Park. Sweet kid in a cynical world.

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